If you want Part One, go here to read A brief and inconclusive story about money.
This is what you need to know about me: I can walk into any room of people and it doesn’t matter how much love is being reflected back to me, inside I’m the girl from nowhere East Texas who is barely clinging to the other side of poverty while simultaneously (and this is the clincher) feeling so special, how could all those eyes be on anyone but me. It’s complicated in here.
The alcohol addiction that I have healed (am healing) fuels that shame but it’s not the original shame. The original shame is the shame of place, of class. That shame inspired me to practice Valley Girl in an attempt to lose my Texas drawl. That shame made me want to appear smart and effortless in any conversation, no matter if I’d read the book, bought that record or watched the movie. That shame roused the drinking and drug use which animated my song and dance which created the smoke and mirrors I needed to navigate social circles, make friends, keep friends. So I’d lie by omission or say I was from Houston, lean into a few weird stories that I thought made me special, anything to not reveal the shame I had of my station. Do that long enough and eventually you believe your own hype.
Here we go with another paywall. I promise it’s not just to be provocative. Writing about money, sex and health, I feel warmer and fuzzier in the space the paywall provides. xo.
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